Healthy Relationships

Layal Dabbous-Holistic Health & Lifestyle Coach

In the last decade, we tried to break out of this ready-made image of “this is a man’s thing,” “that is a woman’s,” “marriage,” “this is it,” “one partner…,” and this has been exciting…to an extent. True, we needed to explore ourselves and others in different forms of authenticity, but in the meantime, what failed to happen, according to many experts in the field – surprisingly those based in New York City – is a solid infrastructure where people could function properly and get their human needs met in the first place. We ended up in this mess where nobody knows what’s going on – and we’ve created a clutter of NO Labels: “I want you but I don’t want a thing with you,” and “I’m here but catch me if you can…” until someone drowns. I mean, who isn’t coming out exhausted and damaged out of this jumble?!

What comes next? In reality, many single people are now longing for a leap of faith when it comes to their love lives. Out of my coaching practice, I could tell that daters have now accessed part of themselves that came alive and wasn’t activated for so long; they are in need for a more fulfilling defined direction of a relationship that is for the long haul. Those chaotic scenarios and those rides of unpredictable excitement and uncertainty do not seem to appeal to many anymore for what they’ve cost them on every emotional and mental level so far. It seems that their risk tolerance has lessened; and that is truly a very natural and scientifically proven fact humans overtake on the curve to personal growth (from a high-risk choice of a relationship to a more structured and less consuming partnership).

In the end, it all depends on where the individual is now on that evolving curve, and of course on the depth or shallowness of their past experiences, and shall I add their mindset as well? Absolutely!

Now, for those craving this shift, how will this goal manifest in reality? How are we going to build on a solid infrastructure moving forward?

“It is somewhat tricky,” your mind wants to believe, but it isn’t! Firstly, it is about time to break silence and speak our truth – not only behind closed doors, to our friends, or to professionals in the field – straight to the face of any potential partner. In fact, people – especially women – have been put on mute. You see, people are very hesitant to speak up that they really want a relationship in fear that they might sound needy, weak, or not so cool, because well, who needs a relationship nowadays? Well, funny enough, we all do! So, let’s face this truth that we all try to fit in – in a way or another – even if relationships aren’t any desirable to us. How daunting to human nature that is!

Secondly, we have to accept that we can never have the cake and eat it too, can we? Let’s have a look on the dating scene. Most of us who date and live in diverse urban cities are self-aware and independent. Yet, we continue to date casually, while insisting we are genuinely looking for a partner who is marriage material. The truth is, we find refuge from vulnerability in casual relationships that brag no expectations. Yet, in our deeper desire as humans to know and be known by another, we unfairly apply rules of commitment to casual romances. We want honesty without making promises; we want respect without integrity and we want loyalty without commitment. While all this confusion could be honestly expressed by our need to ‘wanting a relationship,’ we still try to eat the cake while we keep it.

Thirdly, falling in love and choosing a healthy partner require conscious attempts – everything beautiful starts with awareness – and a set of skills as well to start with; here are some baby, yet empowering, steps on how you can start owning your dating life:

Know what you want: That’s what creates consistent output of your energetic signals “this is what I want”. Be able to at least figure out in a language and word what you want. Considering that you desire a relationship, you might use this statement: “Are you open to the possibility of a relationship?” It is a general category; no sense of imposing pressure on someone and no “hey pick me up,” vibe. This is simply some place you intend to go!

Know your resilience rate: Think of the emotional impact; the dating setup takes every single emotional box that we have, from absolute excitement to the depth of despair, volumes of emotions just like a roller-coaster. And here, it’s great that you know your resilience, your readiness to indulge in any situation, and your recovery rate as well.                                                                                                                   

Read information and facts: Given tons of pieces of information, ask yourself “is this what I want?” This determines your next move! You’re not letting their confusion get you or stop you from getting what you want – you can’t be fooled; in love, you can’t be given something else!

Break the victimhood loop: Start owning your actions! You’ve done a mistake,  then own it; the only thing about personal responsibility is that it frees us to understand that it’s not an action done to us by someone. You’ll be choosing love because you want to be with somebody; you won’t be fearful or desperate!

Consider the pond you’re fishing in: What kind of participants or partners are you allowing in? You know, I’m always a big fan of you being the best version of yourself. Every day, there would be people trying  to convince us that we should be less because others cannot be more; don’t become what you hate! Play it full out, whether you know it or not, you are getting comfortable with the essence of who you are.

Finally, it is liberating to know that none of love experiences has this ultimate security, yet closing down our emotions isn’t the safest bet at all. In fact, impact is always going to be there! Amidst chaos and in the struggle of what we truly desire as human beings and what is now the norm; what could be done so we regain peace and satisfaction? You might consider coming up with your trend that speaks to your true desires and based on how you see your life going.

In the end, I truly have high hopes that we are heading towards a decade of simultaneous exchange between people, and meaningful connections. It is always useful to consider that we all have limits; we have a reactivity; we get offended at a certain point; we have intellectual, emotional, and physical needs; we want to feel like a priority. Let’s be aware of these, at least when dealing with someone; after all, being Human is what unites us all!

 

By Layal Dabbous, Holistic Health & Lifestyle Coach.

 

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