Dad…The Love I Craved So Bad!

Nah… They tell you many stories baby girl…but it is rare that they tell you the truth…

See…if u know me…you must know by now that I have a very tough personality; I love digging into stuff; I don’t settle for what I hear, read, or see; I always dig and research into everything, including my very own self, and especially that!

I self-studied myself; intensly; thoroughly. I dissected my many layers…to fully understand what was going on! We need to know what is going on. And to do that, we have to be very honest, at least with ourselves! And because I am aware of the importance of truth in influencing any change, I choose it as a main tool when speaking up and out! When popping balloons as the devil in me likes to call it!

So, back to what I was saying…yes, self-help books are helpful, in a way; yes, psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists help you understand yourself in a way; what is weighing you down, what events you must overcome to flourish, what past experiences you must outgrow… But I, as a woman, I would say: nothing breaks a woman more than a distorted relationship she has with her dad! Or maybe, a relationship she never actually had with her dad! 

If you are there, I feel u, I want to share with you…so please, come with me….

“He broke me into pieces Maya, he broke my heart & my back now that he left. He took my happiness with him, and went away. The pain is too much to bear, and too much to handle….”

It’s 1am. I’m sitting in my bed, listening to the winds screaming like a black widow who is doing her mad ritual dance outside my windows…Words felt so heavy upon my heart as I read through that WhatsApp message that I had just received from my best friend, as she shared with me her fluctuating heart mourning her – just buried – beloved father….

Heavy was my heart, since I had just realized. I never had that kind of love…and memories took me to the day I lost my dad, seventeen years ago; when I felt absolutely nothing…emptiness wrapped up with emptiness…detachment, as if I was watching someone else’s funeral. No love to connect with. I felt like I lost nothing, because I already had nothing in that space called fatherhood.

Little had I known at the age of seventeen, that what I didn’t feel and what was already empty…was actually EMPTY! And that’s the scary part; I had an empty position of major love & connection that was supposed to be full! Little had I known, that I’d be searching intensively later on for someone to fill up & occupy this space! However, it’s no one’s role, but my dad’s, to fill it up! And that – unless he did – I’ll be lost in a maze, searching for this lost relationship among wrong people and wrong relationships! And that I’d think something was either wrong with me, or the partners I’ll be hunting; not realizing that, I am only searching for the love I never had with my dad! 

That is painful…more painful than mourning a love u once had! Because, at least, you are left with memories and a leftover place to what was there.

However, mourning a love you never had is like searching for yourself among your shadows; you barely see a reflection of it, and just when you think you’re going to get ahold of it, it disappears!

I had a gap…I had hugs I rarely received…I had kisses I never felt…I had support I never got…I had protection and shelter I never experienced…I had void! I had no reference on how things should be; how a man should treat me, what to tolerate, and what to deny; I had no road map! I was lost in what to feel and what not to allow. I was only running through that forest called life, searching for someone or something to fill in the gap! It didn’t matter what they’d fill it up with, for as long as they did, it was ok! Chaos? It was ok! Pain? It was ok! Crap? It was ok. For as long as the gap was filled up it was ok!

Until I could realize, the damage that was in disguise, the love that I should deny and criticize – I couldn’t analyze that what I was living in precise is an illusion to my eyes, because the love I was seeking to romanticize…was the love my dad couldn’t concise! 

So, woman, sit with yourself long enough to understand the truth behind your stories. Be honest with yourself to be able to heal! Healing is a journey that requires patience and perseverance. But most importantly, healing requires depth into what is! For if you don’t understand what is happening on the inside, you will have no clue how to handle what surfaces on the outside!

And if you didn’t get the love that you think you deserve from your father, the world is full of father figures that could give you what you’ve missed. That’s why Tony Robbins is my mentor! And now that I am on his leadership team & I got to have a conversation with him at Date with Destiny 2019, I told him “you to me, are the father I never had. You taught me everything I wanted my father to teach me. You empowered me, and loved me unconditionally through your mission”.

So, bottom line, do that for yourself…find a surrogate father! Find what is it that you lack, and fill it up with THE RIGHT REPLACEMENT! 

P.S: Your dad loved you…in his own way! If he knew any better, he would’ve loved you differently. That I promise!

By, Maya Taher, Human Behavioral & Growth Trainer, Founder of The Maya Training & Coaching Co.

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