dear dad

Dear Dad,

I want a Divorce!

Your little girl is sobbing! And for the first time she is bleeding on people. She has always been doing that behind closed doors…alone! This time, she couldn’t take it anymore.

Some People are judging her, while others found a place to hold her and love her broken pieces, despite having their own! They think she has an identity crisis, or that she’s sexually covered up, or because she is single. Really?! Yes, it could be. But what they don’t know is that the trigger is deeper… Your girl is tired of loving unavailable men; the ones who are not hers, or who live in her imagination, or those who think they could own her with their toys and velvet dreams.

Who can we blame? That’s what they’ve been taught to do. Weren’t you taught the same, dad? You’ve been doing the same with money all your life, and although I’m a pleasure seeker, that didn’t heal me. I know this was your love language…but it isn’t working anymore. Alone, it’s causing turmoil! Your girl is tired of loving you.

I know myself very well, dad. I’ve explored my feminine powers long ago, through the ancient times, when the goddesses blew life and intensity into my wild soul. But you’ve been trying to tame it, and no woman likes to be tamed! With me, there are no half measures and you know that, and you smile because of that. The man of my dreams is my equal, and is as intense as I am. Ironically, that’s what you taught me when I was little! But I’m still attracting and loving those who are distant just like you, dad, so I can maybe save them, fix you through them, fix me, or fix centuries of misconceptions!

Remember that night when you held your woman, and she was traumatized? All that you’ve done was making things out through your silent treatment and physical powers; nice try dad. I’ve been observing this my whole life and been bleeding inside. Did you know she wanted to talk it out first? Did you know she wanted you to open up, confront it, face it, and learn from it so you can both rise and grow together in a healthy partnership? She went with the flow (and it wasn’t the flow she wanted), and she woke up the next day and spit that out to her girlfriend on the phone. And you probably ran to your mistress or your guy friend to express or explore your fantasies. Well done, guys! But this isn’t the love I want to believe in.

I’m tired Dad. The broken girl in me is suddenly crying. And the woman in me is suddenly bossing around. That’s not me. I don’t like to see this. Why should it be that extreme and tough?

You know, I don’t have a problem with you being a beta or an alpha, or both. These could be myths by all means anyway. I have a problem with what has been driving you and your life all these years. Yes, you seem to have everything figured out. You seem like an alpha male, right? You have all of the outward trappings of success. And most men would kill just to spend a day in your shoes. They’d envy you for your kids, especially your daughter (heh). But you know when I look beneath the surface, I find something rather interesting.

Your life has been covertly built entirely on seeking approval from others, and every action that you’ve taken is permeated by an unhealthy desire to be ‘liked’ and validated by those around you. You’ve been trying to teach us this…but NO, your only girl can smell nonsense from miles. Sure, you make good money, but I know you hate what you do…you’ve been too afraid to take the leap. You are terrified of what other people would think if you turned your back, so you can prove your worth to the father who never loved you, and to “friends” whom you never really had. They resent you dad, I don’t like them!

You’ve been a womanizer your whole life. But your commitment to building such an insane territory has stopped you from enjoying a meaningful life; one that you desire. Sure, the compliments from other men and the attention of beautiful women fuel the fire and encourage you to push yourself to the breaking point. Why, love? What were you trying to prove? I know you don’t enjoy spending time with any of those people around you. You’re a sweet soul; you’re tired of the superficial interactions, the lack of meaningful love and connection, and the dull sex with multiple new partners. You have an amazing wife whom is is ready to kill for you, dad. I know you want nothing but to fly high with her…but what’s stopping you?

Have I told you how much I love the scared boy in you, dad? It reminds me of the scared little girl in me. It so happened that we have the same trauma. But let’s not try to prove our worth to others and fill the growing emptiness inside of us with approval and validation. Let’s try and heal on our own, and probably we can meet back again one divine moment.

The question we must always ask ourselves then is “Why?”.

My successes and yours – as impressive as they might be – were driven by fear, ego, inadequacy, and shame, until I decided to wake up, stop, and search for my purpose. Ultimately, I knew I was enough. I knew what I want and have engineered my life to achieve it. You’ve raised a rebel man, and when she rebelled, you were the first one to feel intimidated!! Your girl is an alpha man, dad – thanks to you…but it’s not that fun anymore! And you know what kills me the most? It’s that you derive pleasure from making other people happy. You avoid tension and conflict–often at the expense of your own self-worth. You struggle to assert real desires and set effective boundaries & I am sick of your beliefs and your people, dad.

It seems it’s easier to fall into the trappings of passive behavior than it is to have the courage to pursue the life one really wants. I cannot support you in this anymore! “Listen, are you willing to embrace hardship today so you can live the life you want tomorrow?” I know you’re laughing at me now dad. You are in your sixties, it’s never too late; I can inspire you if you want – only if you let me; the universe will help you, you just need to ask!

I know our character does not exist in vacuum. You are confused now, I feel you! Every man – no matter how grounded he may be – slips into beta behaviors and patterns from time to time. And every man, no matter how much of a beta or “nice” he might be, he will occasionally stand up for himself and act in alignment with his core values. Let’s accept that and celebrate it; it is where balance kicks in. But to lean on one side, dad, is toxic to oneself and to those surrounding them.

I hope you accept this, I hope you free yourself of the shame and self-loathing that stems from the label of being a “beta or feminine male.” When you realize that you are not an alpha or a beta (and never will be), you liberate your psyche from the toxic emotions that have held you enslaved for so long. You no longer see yourself as an alpha or beta, and instead, you realize that “being” an alpha or beta male is a flexible choice in each moment, inspired by the woman in your life, not ruled by her! Who wants to rule and be ruled, anyway?

My love, you can choose to live reactively with the world around you, or you can choose to be proactive and create the life you want. You can choose to stand up for yourself, or you can allow yourself to be used as a doormat for others. You can choose to live based on your values, your well-being, and your vision. And you can reduce your beta behaviors and show up to life in a more grounded and empowered way.

The battle for your life is not against the external forces of the world but against the demons of your own mind. To win this war, you must have the courage to live unapologetically in alignment with who you really are.

“All of us are evolutionarily hardwired to crave acceptance and predicate our sense of self-worth based on the opinions of other people. And thousands of years ago, our hunter-gatherer ancestors literally lived and died by the opinions of their tribe…”

I am not dying… I refuse to die, dad!

You are still not sure whether to run from me, or towards me. And until you are ready to run with me… I am leaving!

Dad, I want a divorce.

Love,

Your one and only daughter.

 

By, Layal Dabbous, Holistic Health & Lifestyle Coach.

 

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